This is based on an actual advert I saw when on holiday in Ireland recently…

Dugal from donegal

Male retired, looking for female companion for company and days out.

Likes;

Prayers, porridge, Cubism and dogs ,

hats, grass fed beef, nylon and chopping logs

Dislikes;

Static electricity, trumpets, brightly coloured socks,

ironing, marmalade, and hipsters in clogs.

I am 5‘10“ tall and very stout.

I have a car, so that I can get about,

I live in rural Donegal.

I have average hair *

Female retired, seeks male retired for companionship and days out.

Likes :

Praying Cooking, brightly coloured socks,

The countryside, wrestling and grandfather clocks,

and the works of Georges Braque.

Dislikes;

Trumpets, unnecessary clutter , platform shoes,

bad manners, weak tea and whistling out of tune

I am 5 foot six and strong in spirit and arms,

I have a car to get around in

and I live on a farm .

I have red hair….. that is grey.

Dear madam,

I saw your profile in the Donegal Gazette

and I was glad to see that we have similar views,

We both have our faith at the top of our list,

and we both have strong feelings about shoes.

We both dislike trumpets, such a piercing sound,

and we have very similar tastes in art,

we both share a love of the countryside,

and that i think , is where I would start .

A nice morning walk, if you agree,

Then a nice piece of cake, and a strong cup of tea,

I know of a nice cafeteria down by the loch,

And I’ll turn the blind eye, if you wear brightly coloured socks..

Enclosed is a photograph,

that my friend took of me,

My name is Dugal.

R.S.V.P.

Dear Dugal,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my ad,

yours is one of several responses that I’ve had,

It’s been busy on the farm, and that’s the reason why,

It has taken me so long , to find time to reply.

Reading your profile, I was very glad to see,

we do have things in common and I quite agree,

we both have our faith and the same taste in art,

and we both dislike trumpets , so we’re off to a good start

Chopping logs is what keeps you in shape , I’m guessing ,

I do like a man with strong arms,

It’s the reason why I’m so interested in wrestling,

You need to be fit to live on a farm .

But there is one thing that I am concerned about,

I think it’s important, so it’s only fair,

that I tell you , I couldn’t possibly be seen going out and about,

with a man who’s only got average hair.

Yours sincerely ,Mary.

Dear Mary,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my letter,

I know that on a farm, there’s always something to do,

I must confess I wish the letter, had ended much better

but I think that I may have a solution for you.

You say that my hair is what you’re concerned about,

well you don’t need to worry about that,

because when we’re in town or out and about,

I shall always be wearing a hat.

I have quite an extensive collection,

of many different types and styles,

and if we should ever, step out together ,

I assure you, I shall wear one all the while.

I hope this helps,

Yours sincerely, Dugal.

Dear Dugal,

Thank you for your reply,

it’s good of you to take the time,

I have a question for you, Dugal,

a little something that I’ve had on my mind.

My cousin Jane said that she saw you ,

walking in town and it started to rain,

you took off your hat and put it in your coat

it seems a strange thing to do, could you please explain.

Regards Mary.

Dear Mary,.

I know you’re busy, so thank you for your note,

indeed I did take off my hat and put it in my coat,

I was on my way to O’Donalls, when I met your cousin Jane,

and as she introduced herself, it began to rain.

I immediately took my cap off,

and you ask , why did I do that,

the answer is very simple, I mean , did you really think ,

I would sit in the pub , In a wet hat?

Surely not.

Regards Dugal.

P.S.

I think it’s best if we don’t remain in contact ,

as I’m now stepping out with Jane, ( she’s told you already I expect )

she says my hair is not overly average at all,

but it does look much better when it’s wet,

all the best now,

Dugal

• Believe it or not,that was his actual description in the advert and the inspiration for the whole poem

Mark Crump 2024 Jan ©️