The Elephant in the Room

Not a literary masterpiece but when did you last read a poem with “vajazzled” in it? Apologies if this falls foul of the moderator- I could have the shortest career ever on the Poets Wall.

The Elephant in the Room

Technology news in today’s paper

The must have gadget, a “smart” vibrator

Space age computing and a mobile phone

Now harnessed just to make bored housewives moan

Years before girls got vajazzled or shaved

Nuns taught at school such self-help was depraved

Personally I could never see the harm

S’why God put hands at the end of your arms

No shame at all, get your hands down your pants

Now seems the mantra of agony aunts

Orgasms ensured- if as good as it sounds

A bargain in pink, just ninety-nine pounds

Completely hands-free, your pleasure will linger

You don’t even need to lift a finger

Audio linked it knows to go faster

When Gray gets rough and shows her who’s master

Covertly in place, wear it al fresco

Walking the dog or shopping at Tesco

Breathless and flushed- your red face wreathed in smiles

As you slide along the frozen food aisles

My response however’s one of rejection

A spare part now my morning erection *

Can it cuddle and share your hopes and fears

Or lend you a shoulder to shed your tears?

Or get the tops off jars or pour you gins

Or remember when to put out the bins

Or follow for hours as you trail the shops

Or tell white lies complimenting your tops

Or buy you chips and ribs at the Fat Pig

And reassure you your bum’s not too big

The ad claims it makes women empowered

No man required for getting deflowered

The hands -free element may have its perks

You could sort yourself while pressing my shirts**

I could watch the match while it sates your wishes

As you hoover the floor or wash the dishes

As you lie playing on the bed alone

It will send me a text, don’t hurry home

Marital problems are surely to loom

The sound of the elephant in the room

Before you purchase and pop down your thong

Just think of the things that might well go wrong

You may develop a sex addiction

Need a fix of unnatural friction

Chuff conditioned to moisten and tingle***

Pavlov’s response to the Nokia jingle

Womens’ bodies to men seem very strange

The bloody access codes constantly change

A one trick pony’s appeal soon’ll wear thin

Versus the frisson of skin against skin

* poetic license

** fantasy- I do the ironing

*** lady garden too many syllables