The Charity Luncheon

(After Noel Coward)

Those who are smitten by words that are written deserve a bouquet Public orators and pontificators all cause me dismay. Fustian oration provokes indignation Pithy elocution should not mean dilution A surfeit of substance can get in the way; The other day,

I went to a Charity luncheon, all black tie and stuff, proper swank It was in a posh hall with a speaker called Paul who was frankly a bit of a wank He started his speech after coffee and didn't stop talking till four, We knew that the chap was a bit of a virus when he told us that he was about to inspire us and quoted the lyrics of Billy Ray Cyrus. I couldn't have hated it more.

I went to a charity luncheon The mood in the room was intense We all had to sit while this tedious shit talked of living up mountains in tents. Dear Dora was checking her insta and Simon had started to snore When Paul reached the part of his meaningless saga designed to impart some important palaver, our Jane did a fart which dislodged her tiara. I couldn't have hated it more.

Professional poets just naturally know when it’s time to retire. There’s nothing so bleak as these amateur speakers who try to inspire. Take this tip from an elderly rhymer, and stick to a four minute timer. Diction and brevity, light hearted levity. By way of contrast on Saturday last

I went to a charity luncheon The port wasn’t served until three This bogus Bear Grylls was extolling the thrills of hang gliding over the sea. He told us he’d fractured his penis which shattered the esprit de corps. The girl on my left almost choked on her wine. She thought that the idea was simply divine, I worried she might try to grab hold of mine. I couldn't have hated it more

I went to a charity luncheon The chocolates were passing around there were one or two scuffles over who got the truffles and the speaker was getting profound. He told of a beautiful maiden he had met once in far Singapore. Her father had said he should marry her quick but the rotter pretending to hurry home sick I told you the guy was a bit of a dick. I couldn't have hated it more.

I went to a charity luncheon. He finally came to his end. To live life to the brim we should be more like him. A notion I cannot defend If they ask you to speak after dinner, please don’t be a braggart or bore because A, You’ll do better by being sincere, and B, if you're brief we have nothing to fear. We can head for the bar for a wine and a beer. That’s something I like a bit more