Snowbird
Love falling thick, as the snow where you lay,
white passion of youth, so blinding and bright,
a trapped snowflake melts, soon dripping away
Embracing the cold, we’d tumble and play,
snow angels cast in the frosty moonlight,
love falling thick, as the snow where you lay
Virgin snow, you only live for the day,
this wee bird would surely die, held too tight,
a trapped snowflake melts, soon dripping away
Sweet traveller girl, your free spirit way,
swirling snow, your body glides through the white,
love falling thick, as the snow where you lay
Where have you moved on? Snow thawed cannot stay,
your soft prints travel my dreams, day and night,
a trapped snowflake melts, soon dripping away
The snowbird still sings through layers of grey,
closed eyes, your beauty is clear in my sight,
love falling thick, as the snow where you lay,
a trapped snowflake melts, soon dripping away
Great subject for a villanelle... but to be cheekily analytical...
you achieve a consistent 10 syllable line, but your stress syllables are inconsistent, depriving the piece of a regular rhythm. Can your stress syllables be consistent?
Love falling thick...
white passions of youth...
A trapped falling flake...
Embracing the cold...
snow angels cast
Love falling fast
Virgin snow...
this wee...
a trapped...
If one works on a formal form such as villanelle, then 'the rules' apply throughout, with consistency in stressed syllables, and therefore effect rhythm in the piece. It's very tough to do.
Apologies if I overstep the mark; I will hold my tongue in the future. Though personally I long for analytical critical responses on the site f…