POSH FROCK

Posh frock

I needed a frock for an event that was posh,

frock shopping was therefore my plan.

I knew of a shop

where they had lots of frocks

with a selection for hire second-hand.

Well that’s what I thought

when a one-off is sough

frock hire was a sensible decision.

But how could I guess

my search for a dress 

would result in such shame and derision.

My heart really dropped

when I saw what they’d got

they had nothing in any way glam. 

The attire to be hired 

was dated and tired

If I wore it I’d look like my gran!

The assistant looked bored

when I asked  ‘were there more?’

brow raised she looked in my eye.

“Madam, there's none

but now that you've come.

please browse our collection,- to buy”

I know I’m not strong

She said “try these on”

I baulked, and she looked quite aggrieved.

Then she got crafty

and gave me Versace!

Afraid to say no I agreed

The cubicle was tiny

I’m thinking - oh crikey

I’ll just try it on then decline. 

The second I’m done

I’ll exit then run

I‘ll never come back, but that’s fine.

It was one of those frocks

that ties up in knots

not exactly sure which bit goes where. 

So half on at an angle

I got in a tangle

If I forced it the damn thing would tear!

It appeared to be snagged

in my bra by its tag

which screamed at me really expensive.

Unfastening my bra

I released it in part

but now I was quite apprehensive.

I'm stuck in this shop

Houdinied by frock

Its straps were acting like bungies.

In the grip of posh clothing

on the verge of exposing

I wished I had worn better undies

I was taking too long

“Madame what’s wrong?”

bursting in, she seemed unimpressed

Confronted you see

By the bare bosomed me

upside down back to front in her dress

I tried not to harm it

but she tugged at the garment.

That’s when I knew it had ripped. 

Then mouthing a curse

she tugged, I reversed

it fell to my knees and I tripped

Then oh dear calamity

There endeth my vanity

I was flung at the cubicle wall!

The whole thing then teetered

I shouted expletives

..ffin’ hell it’s all gonna fall!!”

With legs all akimbo

from an ungainly limbo

I attempted to hold up the sides.

But with bra round my waist

old pants a disgrace

the cubicle crashed and I dived

It fell on her head

oh god she’ll be dead 

but I followed her eyes to a sign

CLOSING DOWN SALE

it said on the rail

ALL POSH FROCKS NOW £10.99 

I left the shop stunned

Since then I’ve been shunned

My recovery to date has been slow

I decline invitations

to avoid complications.

If it’s “posh frock” - I frocking don’t go!!