Cor' Blimey Guvnor

Jarlath posted using Fife colloquialism the other day. It inspired me to make this attempt.

Climbed out me old Uncle Ned,

Used some Bob to freshen me boat.

'alf asleep, had a dig 'n' the grave,

Extra careful when close to me froat.

Gave a good brush to me Bexley 'Eath,

And combed me Barnet Fair.

Had a glass of Acker Bilk,

And some rosie, but that was quite rare.

Me kettle said it was gettin' late,

And I needed some bangers 'n' mash.

Said goodbye to me skin 'n' blister,

And out the Bobby I made a quick dash.

Legged it down to the station,

Boarded the next available train.

Soon arrived at my destination,

The market down Petticoat Lane.

The wevver outside was wet 'n' tatters,

Pulling tight me weasel 'n' stoat.

Next it started to pleasure 'n' pain,

But me titfer sheltered me boat.

Me sister was getting married,

So I needed a new whistle 'n' flute.

Drew out a ton and a couple a score,

Probably get a Dickie Dirt to boot.

Found 'em both, I'd had a result.

Then met up with an old china plate.

Went into the local rub-a-dub,

And stayed 'til really quite late.

Both did a load of chin waggin',

Gave it some rabbit, told a few tales.

Told some stories - we gave it some rabbit.

Laughed as we drank a few ales.

Had another one, just for the frog.

Didn't want the evening to stop.

The landlord called, "Time gentlemen please,

You've already drunk quite a lot."

Made it back to the cat 'n' mouse,

Up the apples 'n' pears I trod.

The bananas were screaming next door,

I comatosed into the sweet land of nod.

Woke up with the usual hangover,

Was feeling a touch Brian Clough,

But hair of the dog, and I'm right as rain,

One day I'll say enough is enough.

Dressed in me new bib 'n' tucker,

Blue skies and a bright currant bun.

Me sister was looking real pucker,

Today was gonna be lots of fun.