An Unknown Woman

I have thought of the one I should have been,

The life I should have lived, the sights I should have seen,

The pastimes that I could enjoy, the joys I may have shared,

The confidence to mix, to voice my thoughts - if unimpaired

.

Instead, I am outside, I have no place, without a voice.

I cannot join in conference to put forward my own choice.

Unable to debate or argue, I am forced to stay 

In my own space, alone, with no great change from day to day.

What is the woman really like, that woman who is me?

If I were not a victim, what would I really be?

I think I’d be quite bubbly, sociable and bright,

Able to share the joys of life that now are out of sight.

I’d be a woman dressed so smart, a fashion conscious belle,

Always wearing high class clothes, intent on looking well.

Personally charming, intelligent and wise

I’d look so fit and healthy causing folks to turn their eyes.

The woman I would like to be is constantly kept in check,

Ability, once mine, has waned, and left a useless wreck.

Unable to share the world with others of my age,

I’m left with having no real place, just fit to wait backstage.

I know so many of my age whose lives remain intact,

Free to live the life they choose, with others interact .

I ask myself why it should be, that I should be the one

Whose life was ended early, while others have such fun.

This poem was composed by me in 1996, a particularly bad year for me until August 1996 when I had a palidotomy, a method of irreversible brain surgery which helped me cope with my then present symptoms of Parkinsons, until it appeared in my right side.

I continued to live as well as I could with the new symptoms until 2006 when I had a newer operation known as DBS(Deep Brain Stimulation) which I can recommend to any suitable patient suffering with the symptoms of Parkinsons.

My battery has not been changed since it was renewed in 2016- the first battery lasted for 10 years, but the battery expired in 2022, when I made the decision not to go to Bristol to have a replacement fitted in my chest for the fhird time.

/

I consider myself too old to undergo voluntary surgery at my age of 83: as I am totally immobile.making transporting me a difficult logistical exercise.